The Lost Art of Understanding
I was sitting in a coffee shop and couldn't help but overhear a sales meeting at the table next to me. The customer was explaining a complex challenge their team was facing, clearly hoping to find a solution. Meanwhile, the salesperson was nodding along, but their eyes kept darting to their phone under the table and around the cafe. They were physically present but mentally somewhere else entirely. When the customer finished speaking, the salesperson launched into what was clearly a rehearsed pitch that barely addressed what the customer had just shared. I watched as the customer's enthusiasm visibly deflated. They were polite, but clearly ready to wrap up and move on.
We've all been there, haven't we? Maybe we were the one not being heard, or if we're honest with ourselves, the one not truly listening.
In our hyper-connected tech-saturated world, it seems like we're all guilty of being "sort of" present. Our phones buzz with notifications, our minds race to the next meeting or item on our to-do list, and we find ourselves going through the motions of listening while our attention is scattered in a dozen different directions.
And it's taking a toll. According to Gallup's State of the Global Workplace report, only 21% of employees feel engaged at work. The Harvard Business Review reports that 58% of customer interactions fail to resolve the customer's issue, largely because companies don't truly understand what their customers need.
But here's where it gets interesting: When people feel genuinely understood, everything changes. Research published in the Journal of Research in Personality shows that people who feel deeply listened to report significantly higher levels of trust and are more likely to be influenced by those they're speaking with.
The Science Behind Being Understood
There's fascinating science at play here. The Harvard Business Review published research showing that when someone feels truly heard, their brain releases oxytocin – often called the "trust hormone." And according to Development Dimensions International's Global Leadership Forecast, empathy – the ability to understand and share others' feelings – is the single most important leadership skill.
Think about it in your own life. When was the last time you felt truly, deeply understood by someone? Not just heard, but understood at your core. It's a rare and powerful experience, isn't it?
When Leaders and Organizations Master Understanding:
Remember that coffee shop scenario? Imagine instead if that salesperson had put their phone away, leaned in, and asked thoughtful follow-up questions. If they had taken the time to truly grasp not just the surface problem, but the deeper impacts and implications. What if they had the confidence to admit they didn’t understand something the customer said and asked for clarification so they could truly grasp what the customer was saying? The entire dynamic would have shifted.
This is what understanding in action looks like:
Customers see you as an “in-synch” partner rather than just another vendor
Teams become fierce advocates for your vision, because they know their voice was heard
Innovation accelerates as diverse perspectives are shared and incorporated
Employee retention strengthens as people feel valued for their unique contributions
Creating Deeper Connection
Creating this kind of understanding isn't about adding more meetings, investing in some new technology, or new communication channels. It's about transforming the quality of our interactions. It means:
Moving beyond surface-level listening to explore the underlying needs and aspirations that drive behavior
Creating environments where people feel safe sharing their authentic points of view
Demonstrating that you've not just heard, but truly comprehend what matters to others
In a world where attention is increasingly fragmented, those who master the art of understanding gain a unique and surprising advantage. They build the trust that transforms customers into loyal advocates and employees into engaged champions.
Here's a simple challenge: In your next conversation with a team member or customer, just before you're about to wrap up, pause. Ask one more question – not to fill the silence, but to understand something deeper about their perspective, experience or situation. It might feel small in the moment, but these moments of genuine curiosity and understanding compound over time, creating connections that last and drive meaningful change.
Start right now… What one conversation could you have today and take that extra moment to understand?